This Article is the second in a series I plan on doing about the Narcissist and to bring about awareness of how emotional abuse is just as or if worse than the physical abuse. Emotional abuse is a lot harder to get over and it is abuse. There are a lot of ways that this can happen.
As in my earlier article I was talking about the Narc and their enabler of flying monkeys. The ones that basically take up where the Narc left off. This can be with their so called encouraging works like, time heals, or their way of doing things that the Narc wants.
The question that everybody has though is how do you leave a Narc and their Flying Monkeys. Unlike in the Wizard of Oz it’s not as simple as throwing water on them and listening to them say I’m melting, I’m melting (You said it in the Witches voice, right) while you watch.
It’s a lot harder and takes a lot longer to really leave a Narc has they are very good at getting you come back to them, with promises of we will make it work, or I have really changed or they go back to love bombing you again. (I will go into more detail another time).
It can take about two or three goes and many years to leave these toxic, emotional vampires has they are very good manipulators and know how to keep you around for their own needs, but do not think for one minute that when they have you back they will change, or that you are the only ones in their lives that they feed off. This can be further from the mark.
But I digress, what we really want to know is how either leave these people and keep them out of our lives for good or to minimize the effect that they have on us.
The first way to go is NO CONTACT. Remove them completely from your life. This can be difficult you say especially if you have children with them. There is another method for that, but for now we are going to presume that children are not in the equation if the person is your partner. If it is a family member, this can also be hard as they are blood and we are programmed to think that we need family. This is not the case either. NO CONTACT means just what it says. You have no contact at all with the Narc and his Flying Monkeys. Don’t react to the lies, the way they can be charming or even the way will lie about you, because this will definitely happen. NO CONTACT is really the best and only way to remove these people. If they have no reason to be in your life remove all traces of them. Do whatever it takes to break the cycle with them. If they text, ignore it, if they phone don’t answer it, if they come around pretend you are not home. You may even have to go so far as to get a restraining order on them. For your own sanity and for a better quality of life this is the best way to go.
Watch how your life turns around, the constant turmoil you had is gone, there is peace, quiet and harmony in your life. Thinking becomes clearer and you start to take back your own power and find out who you are. This is not a process that happens overnight, but with time and being gentle with yourself you can do it.
What you ask if there are children involved. Well this process can take a bit longer because they will do anything at all to get you to react, and they will again lie and cheat and discredit you to the courts all for the sake of winning and to get a reaction out of you. If you are able to, the there is a term called GREY ROCK. This means what it says. Be a rock, be boring, if they try to do anything to get a reaction, just say very little and make out that you are bored with the whole process. If they want to try to bring you back in and start asking questions like how was your day, or what are you up to answer back with it was ok. Just work, or talk about the laundry you did, or tell them you are reading a book. Anything that does bring the focus on to them. The Narc thrives on being the center of attention and can bore quite easily and move on to the next source if they are not getting it from you. This then will assure you have minimal contact with them. If you need to discuss the kids keep it short and sweet and boring. They don’t really care about them anyway. They are just a way to look good. Narcs don’t care what sort of attention they get; it can be all negative as far as they are concerned as long as they are the center of attention and you reacted, they win.
Leaving or being left by a toxic person is not easy, especially when you are constantly questioning yourself and why it happened or your self-esteem is at an all-time low you are not sure if you can pick yourself up, or you have heard a lot things being said about or even to you and you think it is easier to give in to them. DON’T. These two methods can help you through and to heal if you you call on your strength. Remember you are stronger than you think, and always be gentle with yourself and remember what they do to you is a testament to their character not yours.
I am going to leave you with this thought. Refusing to go NO CONTACT is like walking in a pair of shoes two sizes to small, hoping that one day they will fit and stop hurting. Take off the shoes that are crippling you and start walking towards you path of FREEDOM.
And if you can’t go NO CONTACT be a GREY ROCK.
Love and Light
Sylvia
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