By Esther: So you guys have been in a relationship for a while, but at the back of your mind, every now and then, there is a nagging feeling that maybe you really are incompatible? It’s hard to put your finger on it so perhaps asking yourself some of the questions below could assist you in finding the answer before you take this relationship to the next level of either renting a flat together or getting married.
Now I would like to point out immediately this Compatibility I am talking about has nothing to do with either Astrology or Numerology but it is more about can you both live together in harmony for a long period of time – I am thinking in terms of years and years.
Do we have the same values? This is a BIGGIE
When it comes to the values you hold in life, significant differences can be a deal breaker. By values what do I mean? I do not necessarily mean the same religion. Firstly, it is important for you to be clear about your own values. Make a list of the things that are foundational in your life, for example, truthfulness, family relationships, and respect. If the one you love is not being truthful with you, doesn’t like your family and is disrespectful towards you, then you will be able to realize that you do not have the same values. Either you need to be willing to throw your values out of the window and take on whatever values the other person has, or walk away and keep your integrity for someone who shares your values.
Another example of different values would be that one of you is a Volunteer for Greenpeace and the other wishes to go off hunting animals with a gun in your local forest. Or perhaps even cutting down all the forest whilst you are concerned about Climate Change?
Do you guys have the same goals?
Goals are closely related to values and they speak of the vision you have for your future. Do you want to settle down in a stable routine and raise a happy and contented family? Or other words do you both wish to have CHILDREN??? Before everybody says that everyone wishes to have biological children – sorry not true – I know this from seeing that up front and personal in one of my friends. Even if you both agree on the broad goals, you also need to explore the specifics to some extent. For example, say you both agree to settle down and raise a family after you have been travelling through Europe? And after that, do you agree on the number of children you both would like? How will you discipline your children, and what faith and beliefs will you teach them?
Can you able to agree to disagree?
Conflict resolution is probably one of the most important determinants of compatibility. Every healthy, growing, intimate relationship requires constant compromise. It’s called working on the relationship. Yeah, I know it can be boring, but long term relationships are work, work and more work and if you are not up for that, it is best you remain single. All relationships are about give and take on both sides. It cannot be a case of one partner giving all the time and the other having their way. If the same person is always doing the giving while the other is always taking, it is a recipe for disaster and heartbreak. There are going to be some issues that you do not see eye to eye.
However, the next question is “Can you both amiably agree to disagree without letting it pollute the atmosphere of your relationship?” Again, the issues you disagree with should not be the weighty ones regarding values, goals or spiritual beliefs. Example one partner forgoing having children because the other person does not wish to be a parent. Weighty issues like this was often referred to in counselling as Non-negotiable issues.
What do both really want from this partnership?
Now that you have come this far with these soul searching questions, the final one you need to answer with naked honesty is, “What do you really want?” Do you want to stay the rest of your life with this person, work on your relationship and take the bad with the good? If so, is your reason for saying that because you truly love them and believe that your life without them would be less enjoyable and fulfilled than your life with them. Or are you saying that because the pain and effort of leaving seems more difficult than continuing with the kind of relationship you find yourself in. You are the only one who knows the answers to these questions.
On the subject of Love
Real love is loving someone who are right now without change. It is a case of loving that individual for their good and not so good points and do not let anyone tell you that you should not love any individual. Why? Because love is a feeling!!! It is not based on logic that I love you because you look nice? Got money? Great Education etc.
All the best,