By Gertrude: For those of you who are in an on-again-off-again relationship, many of you will find that just as you are determined to move on, they reach out and take you back into the relationship. This seems to be a never-ending cycle. It is draining, confusing and it hurts your heart.
Let me say firstly, that this doesn’t apply to all relationships, however, sometimes our ex has narcissistic traits. Some of the signs that your ex has been triggered by you moving on due to having narcissistic traits will be:
1. There will be a lack of empathy. This can often show up in disagreements. Where they genuinely have no insight into the pain or confusion you are going through.
2. You will find through the relationship that they have a strong sense of entitlement. It is often demonstrated that they only see their side of things. They feel that they are owed respect but don’t show respect back.
3. Signs of jealousy. This will be excessive. You may find that they are quite secretive, but have a need to know your actions. They may also show jealousy of your friends and family. It can also make them think that everyone is jealous of them.
4. They are self-important and have a need to be admired. This can also be shown that they are critical of others, but having a sense of superiority over others. Feeling they are more intelligent than everyone else.
5. They will often take advantage of or exploit. This can be subtle. Generally, though they manipulate or create arguments. Or will turn something that you have shared with them against you or to their advantage.
Not everyone who does this is a narcissist, however, often people have traits or tendencies. This, in turn, creates disharmony and insecurity in a relationship.
Where it gets confusing is that we think of them as mixed messages. It makes us believe that they want to reunite. Regardless of where someone is coming from. It is their actions that are important. It may very well be that the love bond is strong and they do want to be with you. Fear or learned behavior results in self-sabotage, which can result in narcissistic behavior.
Communication is a vital ingredient in a relationship, it also requires us to listen. However, if your partner has the inability to listen to you, it may be that they are unempathetic. Empathy is important in a healthy relationship.
If someone cannot take any form of criticism or they are blaming you, or others for their mistakes. Create boundaries and there is no need to justify yourself in an argument where someone is into the blame game.
Taking ownership of what is going wrong is very important. However, you only need to take it for you. Until they have learned this, they can’t grow. Which makes it hard. It is important to assess this when you are making plans to reunite.
When your ex has one set of rules for you yet another for themselves. It is important that everyone is working with the same rules. If this is difficult for the other person to change, it will hinder any meaningful reunion.
If you are or have been in a relationship with someone who is never wrong, this is another narcissistic trait that will harm you and the relationship if it is going to improve.
It is important to understand what you can and can’t change. We can never make someone happy on the inside, not change a personality trait. That is always up to the individual. Understanding that we have to accept what we cannot change.
We can ourselves be empathetic and have a deep understanding of the person we love. Often we can’t see how we have been drawn in until we have moved on. So it is difficult while we are going through and living it.
If someone keeps doing the same things over and over and you have communicated effectively yet they don’t change. Understand that someone who has narcissistic traits or tendencies, without help and insight themselves, they can’t change.
This doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy of love. However, the kindest thing you can do for yourself and them is to allow them to develop their own self-awareness.
While it is important what happens to us, what is more, important is how we handle it. Emotional pain is traumatic and it creates stress and anxiety. Provide a clear direction for yourself first and foremost.
I want you to know that you are not responsible for this. That many things unfolded prior to your meeting. It has taken many years for these traits to form in them. So this won’t be something that they can change immediately if they want to change.
You’re being asked now to invest in you and your future and protection. You’ve got this!
Love and Light,