By Gertrude: The Art of Walking Away: For daughters of narcissistic mothers.
For many women we take on a nurturing role, either because it’s a role we desire or one that has been thrust on us.
Growing up in a narcissistic environment, you will have/had your boundaries violated. There will have been times when your attempts at autonomy will have been met with scorn. So you learned to never really think you could be strong on your own. The journey really is about learning to love your own company.
This can be on-going into adulthood. Either manifesting in a romantic relationship or within the same mother-daughter dynamics. It is not unusual for women leaving marriages who find that the person they love is quite happy to take the family home from them. We see this in divorce court each day. A narcissist is the kingdom of the home. Not just theirs, but the one you live in. And they will demand interest on any investment they feel they have contributed to.
So it is little wonder that as adults, because of what you have been denied. You try to make up for in a romantic relationship, the relationships with your children, friends and colleagues. So this is where your nurturing becomes overwhelming. Not only to us, but to those around us.
Then for the most part we are stunned when we attract those who would take advantage of our vulnerability. The very people we need to avoid.
Your mother would have been incredibly jealous. Proclaiming her role in any victories or achievements. And deriding those she hasn’t taken a part in. Those autonomous things you can now do as an adult.
Narcissistic mothers will when they are able to interfere in your marriage and if given a chance in the upbringing of your children. Trying to add doubt to your own abilities, Second guessing or throwing yourself into toxic situations as a way of defiance.
This is how and why it is important to know the difference between nurturing and overwhelming.
Now is the time that you learn to say no. To set your deal breakers, compromises and boundaries. We begin to feel and be overwhelming when we are in a relationship. Because we have not learned to say no to the things that take us from our own personal path. When we learn to say no in a loving and non-triggered way, We become nurturing.
When we invest in others to our own detriment we are taking funds from our budget. When we invest in ourselves, we get dividends.
Practice the Art of Nurture.
This always begins with ourselves. Right now your thoughts deeds and actions are planting what you will sow come harvest. In this case practice makes perfect. The more we take self care, the more we can give. It is a time to practice patience. Nothing can be changed overnight. But we can change that thought. The only thing we can ever change is ourselves. And most often that changes everything. Choose to believe that it is easy to change a thought or a pattern. It’s your choice to do so.
Rebuild your foundations. There is no need to rush. Change takes time and change is challenging. In doing this, you are freeing yourself from other people’s judgments. You now have the chance to be the real you. In doing this, you treat others how to treat you. Give them the seeds of what you expect to nurture or neglect. Because actions always speak louder than words.
Understand that while the wounds may not be your fault, The healing is your responsibility. There is a message in the way a person treats you. Just listen. And believe who they are showing themselves to be. This also applies to the way you speak to yourself. If you are treating others better than yourself. Treat yourself better.
The mind is like water. When it’s turbulent, it’s difficult to see. When it’s calm, everything becomes clear. So take yourself aside as often as you need. To take time out to feed your body mind soul and spirit. Recognize other people’s problems. That they aren’t yours. So don’t take them on. Be supportive. But allow them the ability to solve them, themselves. It is the kindest thing you can do for them. And for yourself.
All the best,