By Annelize: Every day I receive so many chats and calls from women about their failing love relationships. A breakup or an uncertain situation where they do not have any control. The main factors I noticed are:
– Women tend to see themselves as the only ones having the problem or issue. They feel that if they can just change more, or do more, the man will see how great she is.
– Getting back together is the focus, what can they do to get him back?
– When will they get back again? They want a time connected to that.
Those three things are like a common thread connecting all the lovers that seem to be in a relationship that ended or are having difficulties.
I want to share some general messages from women with you. I receive these daily, and I want it to be a mirror that reflects our behavior as women. We need to see the pattern clearly, to be able to heal and move forward. We are desperate for love, affection, attraction, romance, and the happy ever after. We are fixated on finding the right one, and many times we feel we are with that one, so when it ends, it must be fixed again. Desperation, fear, uncertainty, clinginess, and feeling insecure:
“Dear Annelize, I have broken up with my boyfriend of ten months, will we get back together, and how soon?
“I am really heartbroken. The love of my life, my soul mate, just ended our 2-year relationship. I feel lost, sad, and devastated. I never knew that there were any issues? When will we get back together?
“My partner broke up with me after we had a fight, just a stupid silly fight. If I could just have kept my mouth shut. Will we get back together, and solve this?”
“We were together for over two years, and then he broke up with me. He is not sure he wants a committed relationship. Do you think he will change his mind?”
“I am so sad, things were going well for two months, he was attracted and then suddenly he started to withdraw, he started to become quieter. Then he said he is not sure he wants a long-term relationship. I am so sad, will we get together again? And when?”
“I have been treated badly by my boyfriend, but every time he is really nice, and says he is sorry. We just had a fight and he said he cannot do this anymore, he needs time to think about this. Will he change his mind, and will we get back again? I am lost without him, there is such a great connection between us?”
“My partner and I broke up about two years ago, would we be able to get back together again?”
“I am really in pain, as my boyfriend said he needs time to think if he wants to have more with me. He is not sure if he wants to be in a relationship at this stage. What will happen, will he decide to come back and we make it work?”
We are desperate for love, affection, attraction, romance, and the happy ever after. We are fixated on finding the right one, and many times we feel we are with that one, so when it ends, it must be fixed again. Desperation, fear, uncertainty, clinginess, and feeling insecure. To all the women out there, here is my love letter to you, in response to all the messages and heartfelt pain you experience related to love or a breakup.
You are not alone, you are not the only woman feeling unsure and insecure about love. We are here to support one another. Please, don’t let anyone, ever make you feel that you are the sole reason a relationship is not working. It takes two people to create a relationship, and almost always both people need to work on themselves to change. Most relationships consist of two people that have not sorted themselves before getting into the relationship, so they either need to make time for themselves in the relationship to grow and heal, or they need to spend time alone to change.
First, you need to love yourself. I feel that you doubt that you are good enough, pretty enough, clever enough, beautiful enough, to be the woman to this man. You feel if you can just change this, or do this, then he will love you more. If you do this for him, he will give you compliments. If you go on a diet, he will crave your body. If you exercise like crazy, you will be sexy enough.
My dear woman, you need to see how special you are through my eyes. You need to see how soft, beautiful, caring, kind and lovely you are. You need to see your feminine side for what she is, and not try to take on the masculine energy all the time. We have been taught that we need to do more, compete for more, and show up in our male energy to be able to achieve something in life. Yes, in the world of patriarchy you need to be more in your masculine energy to get somewhere work or job-related, but the moment you step into love, relationships, and connection you need to get out of the male mindset and follow your inside feminine female energy. You must just be, receive and open up to accept what is offered to you.
Yes, we have all been fooled by fairytales and movies that there is a certain type of prince or man we all long for. We feel love should be a fairytale and we want the other person to attend to all our dreams and fantasies. This is the first thing you need to realize, that each one of us has our own idea of what romance means, and what love is, and as we grow up we are shaped into a certain way of thinking. Some might see a lover as a rescuer, others might see a lover as a safe place, a friend, some might need a lover to compete with, or someone for adventures, camaraderie, or support. Whatever your reason, I want to be clear that the person you see as your partner will never be able to fill that need or void, as long as you are empty. We expect our partners or lovers, to complete us, to fill in the gaps where we feel void. What a distortion we have believed, that someone else can fill us up, make us whole, or stand-in for a lack we had when we grew up.
We all have both masculine and feminine energy, and you need to be able to flow with both, depending on the situation. Dear woman, you have been functioning for so long in the masculine energy, it is time to start to flow into the feminine. It is nothing to be afraid of, in fact, it will feel more manageable, and you will feel more relaxed flowing in what you need to be. Being in the masculine energy takes a lot of hard work, and doing, being busy all the time. Conquering, requesting, demanding what you want and need. In love, you want the opposite, in love you want to step out of the masculine energy and move into the feminine. You cannot have two masculine energies working in the same relationship, it will be like a challenge of two deers fighting all the time. You need to decide as a team, what energy your partner or lover will take, and if he takes the masculine energy, then you need to step into the feminine energy. The contrast here is that the feminine is not doing, it is being, it is receiving what you need. This can only happen when you step into knowing what your feminine energy is.
One important thing to remember is you can only ever work on and change yourself. You will never be able to change anyone else. No amount of complaining, asking, requesting, nagging, manipulating, or withholding can change any other person. You are responsible for your own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, never for someone else’s. Without this basic knowledge, you will always grab unhealthy ways of getting what you want or what you feel you need.
A huge thing is should you wait to get back together again, or not to get back together? In my personal experience, I feel that if someone starts to doubt if they want to be together with you, then move on. You don’t want to sit around waiting for someone that is not ready to accept and love you. Sometimes we need to accept that not all people will be long term connections, you need to take your focus off the end result, and enjoy and learn from the connection what you can. The right person will be ready for you, and you will be ready for them. You sell yourself short as you feel time is running out, you are getting older, there will not be someone else again. These lies are fears that you believe, they hold you back to stepping into freedom and confidence in love.
There is no surety about any relationship lasting forever, there is also no timeline for getting back together. You can only take charge of our own life and change yourself. If the other person also changes and moves forward you can move closer together, but if the other does not see any need to change, then the two of you will outgrow each other, then it is time to move forward. Or all the work you have done would be a waste of time, and you will regress to old patterns and behavior. We all want things to stay the same, be static, last forever, but nothing in life is like that. Everything changes, and if you realize that your relationship will start out on a high due to all the hormones when falling in love, it will not stay high forever. It will change, and is supposed to change as you grow together. You might hold on to this idea, and the moment it goes out of your control, you step into fear. You need to let go from the beginning. Let go of your fixed expectations, and be open to receiving more from the connection than what you have dreamed up in your mind. You can learn so much from another person, you have to be open to seeing them, allow them to be them, and do not expect them to level up to a certain level. It is all in your mind, your fairytale love story, and it is contracting, closing you up to experiencing all love can offer. What we want is for you to expand, to open up, and be open to whatever you can experience with this person, whether it is only one date, or years together. But we all have our own agenda in love.
A healthy relationship is two healthy people investing time and energy to enjoy the connection with one another. To challenge one another to grow more into who they really are, to motivate each other to become more of what they want to be. To help you reach your dreams, and grow into a better you. Everything you need to learn, in love, starts with self-love. Without loving yourself, accepting yourself, and filling your own needs first, it would be really a big challenge to have a healthy love relationship with another person. You would always expect someone or something to fill the void in your heart. The saddest truth is, that no one can do that for you. So today, step into loving yourself, take the time to go deep within yourself, and do the work needed so that you can receive the love you want and deserve.
Love and Light,