By James: “Communication is the Key”. We hear it all the time. “Strong communication in a relationship is the key”. Yet, so many of us forget how to communicate, or maybe find that the communication is not clear, perhaps even lost. How many times have you asked; “Why haven’t they
responded to my text?” or “They don’t listen to me.”
All of us can work on our communication with others – nobody’s perfect. You can make your relationships stronger by taking ownership of your own communication. The following five mistakes are super common and can be easily overcome with practice.
1. Holding Feelings in Too Long
Expressing your feelings can be hard – really hard for some. Saying what’s really on your mind puts you in a vulnerable position. There’s the possibility of being misunderstood, rejected, or even challenged. It can be scary to say what you mean and mean what you say. However, when we hold things in too long, our feelings have a way of coming out. Even when we least expect it! This can be in ways that are less clear or understandable.
TOOL: Work on expressing yourself clearly in the moment. Don’t wait until later or when the situation changes. You and your partner can experience the intimacy and trust that comes from voicing your truth in the moment.
2. Not Being Clear and Direct
Another important part of solid communication is being direct with what it is you want to say. Don’t dance around the issue, it doesn’t give the other person involved the opportunity to truly understand you. By not being clear and direct, you may cause confusion and you probably won’t express what it is you really want to say.
TOOL: Speak to a trusted friend or loved one about what it is you really want to say. Sometimes allowing someone you trust to hear you, can offer you advice or feedback if the message is not clear.
3. Making Assumptions
Our brains have a funny way of making up crazy stories about what other people are thinking, feeling, or getting ready to say. Try not to get too much in your head about what you think is probably not going on. When you feel the urge to assume, get curious and be direct with the other person. Ask questions, as needed, or, remember that most of what people say and do has more to do with themselves than with others around them.
TOOL: When you hear that voice inside you analyzing “what did they really mean?” or “Why your new love interest didn’t respond to your text”…
Relax… Breathe… Remind yourself that you can only know and control your own thoughts and emotions. Remember, sometimes life gets in the way. Sometimes we generally get busy and can’t always respond straight away.
4. Pointing Fingers
We have a bad habit of lashing out at people sometimes, especially when we’re in conflict with someone or feeling hurt. We focus on what the other person did to make us experience these emotions, we work ourselves up, then explode. It’s important, however, to really own your feelings, instead of blaming someone else for them. This goes beyond swapping your “you” statements for “I” statements.
TOOL: When you’re upset, try to focus solely on how you’re feeling, don’t go down the road of trying to explain what the other person did wrong to cause that feeling. When you play the blame game, no one wins.
5. Focusing Too Much on What You Want to Say
Not listening and interrupting go hand-in-hand when it comes to poor
communication. Instead of trying to get the next word in or thinking of something clever to say, slow your brain down and focus in on what the other person is saying. Really be in the moment with this person and you’ll experience true connection.
TOOL: When you listen to your loved ones interest and they feel heard and
validated. It will encourage them to do the same to you. This more authentic back and forth will lead to more meaningful conversations, ultimately strengthening your bond.
Putting it All Together
It’s not always easy to be open about our feelings, especially when they reveal insecurities about ourselves or our relationships, but when you take the time to open up the communication with your loved ones, you will find that your connection will only grow stronger, leading to a much more fulfilling relationship for everyone involved.
Love and Light,
James
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