By Sofia: In this time where almost everything is within reach and you can get a hold of a lot of things with just a few taps, clicks, or calls, it would seem like availability is no longer an issue. However, what do you do when in one of the most important aspects of your life, your relationship with your partner/spouse, you are faced with the problem of emotional unavailability? Better yet, how do you make sure that you are not emotionally unavailable too?
What does an emotionally unavailable partner look like?
• Does not exert any effort to make the relationship work
Some people, even though committed to a relationship, do not actually commit to make the relationship work. Do you find yourself calling all the shots, especially when it comes to your relationship? Do you have a partner who tells you to decide if you should break up or not? Is your partner not as invested as you are when it comes to the emotional level of your relationship as opposed to the physical one? That can be a sign of an emotionally unavailable partner.
• Does not want to open up about their feelings.
Are you the only one opening up about issues that may affect the relationship in an effort to fix things? In this scenario, you may often be told that you are the one creating issues or drama in the relationship and that there is nothing to worry about. A partner like this may act as if everything is okay but then one day you find yourself crying alone because they want out and you wonder what went wrong in the first place.
• Does not make any long term goals for your relationship
This partner may only be invested in the present and creates a future that does not necessarily have you in it. He/she avoids making small or big plans and creates something to look forward to. Last minute calls, a lack of consistency and preparation are key signs.
Why is my partner emotionally unavailable?
Emotional unavailability stems from different reasons. They may have been in a bad relationship in the past where they felt like they were too available causing them to act the opposite way to avoid being hurt again. They may have experienced something traumatic growing up resulting in them putting up walls to protect themselves. They may also just lack the kind of emotional intimacy they needed growing up and think that it is the way they should be too. Whatever the reason is, it is something that needs to be addressed if you want your relationship to last and to be happy.
What do I do if my partner does not know he/she is emotionally unavailable?
It would be best to sit down with your partner and point out the elephant in the room. You have to communicate in love and trust to show your partner that you are there to help and not accuse them.
What should an emotionally unavailable person do?
It is important to identify and acknowledge that you are emotionally unavailable. Without doing so, you can not work on the steps necessary to help you with your issues. You also need to understand the reason why you are that way. If it was because of a past relationship then you have to start building trust and understanding that not all relationships work the same way and even if the same thing happens again, then at least you are not the reason why it did not work. Now, if it is because of a larger reason like a traumatic experience, then the best option would be to speak to a therapist who would better guide you in addressing these issues.
A relationship requires a lot of work, be it easy or hard. At the end of the day, no matter what kind of work you put into your relationship, it wouldn’t matter if you know that you are doing it for the right person and you believe in your future together. However, if you know that all your efforts go to waste, then talk it out and see if you are both on the same page when it comes to your future. After all, it takes two to tango and if your partner doesn’t want to dance to the music of love with you, then it may be time to go. Remember that you can only give love when you have love.
Love and Light,