By Sarah: Many of my female clients around the world come to me with their story of separating from their loved one and then their partner gets involved/is involved with a third party. Or perhaps out of the blue she finds out he has cheated on her during their break apart..
When the arguments start and your husband suddenly decides to move out, the shock of suddenly being alone with your children after so many years of marriage and partnership can be quite overwhelming. Do not underestimate the emotional pain and trauma this can cause. It comes with a sting that roars like thunder, but when this is also intertwined with an extra marital affair you suddenly experience how it feels to have a hot poker driven through your heart. There can be no deeper emotional pain in a relationship than when your partner chooses to stray. In most cases the other woman is unaware that they are breaking the sacred code that goes between women – never to harm, only to heal – and before you know it you are caught up in a triangulation relationship that both women need to untangle from as soon as possible.
Triangulation is when there are three people in a relationship and it never ends well. The woman your partner is with naturally sees you as competition and will do anything to try and beat you to the finish line as she wants your man. Your man simply has to mention your name and the problems he is having with you and she will flutter all over your husband as she wants to protect her man. This then gets the man the attention he is craving and the cycle keeps being repeated. This is why one of the first rules I give to women whose husbands/partners are going through a midlife crisis is this.
Go silent. Your man has moved out and it now seems like he has moved on ( he hasn’t)
If you withdraw yourself as quickly as you can and make an oath not to make contact ( except for that one phone call a month if he does not pay maintenance for children) then there will be nothing to talk about to the new partner. If you call and message and vent your anger, hurt and pain that will make her want him more because she thinks YOU want him. Remember he will discuss all contact you have with him with her as a sounding board. Nothing is more off putting to another woman than a woman who shows total disinterest for her husband or partner so the very first rule is DON’T make contact with him. He has made his bed so make him lie in it.
Another rule is to use this time to focus on yourself. Turn inwards and think about life, who you are, what you want, what your hopes and dreams are. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in marriage and children that we forget who we are, true to ourselves. At first it will be strange waking up alone and having breakfast, having ownership of the remote, choosing the time you go to bed but it soon settles into a routine after the first week of being alone.
If your partner contacts you – however angry or hurt you may be – make sure you are friendly. Make sure you are sounding upbeat. Nothing throws a man off guard than his wife sounding happier than she was when she was with him.
Take a good look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you need a change. More often than not you do. You need to view yourself with fresh eyes, the Goddess that you are! Change your hairstyle, color your hair, toss out old clothes and spoil yourself with some new ones. Changing your look will shock the pants off your husband when he next sees you.
More often than not, when faithful men cheat, it is just an experiment that usually goes very wrong. At various times during a man’s life he goes through a crisis point where he challenges everything he knows to be true. One of the first things that he wonders about is if he is missing out having sex with someone else. What he doesn’t realise, is that sexual faithfulness brings a closeness and an intimacy that cannot be captured in a one night stand or even a three month relationship ( which is usually the length of time his romantic fling would last ).However, men don’t realise this until they step outside the marriage/relationship and by then the damage has been done. Or has it? Is it possible to have a loving, harmonious relationship when your partner has cheated?
It is certainly possible, after the weeks or months of emotional pain and rejection, that the two of you can come back together closer than ever before. I would certainly advise professional counselling on this. I would also suggest warning your husband or partner that you may have triggers or flashbacks and that his sensitivity is needed with this. It could be a song on the radio that reminds you of the pain that you felt, it could be the text message he doesn’t answer for three hours or the call that went unanswered. As long as the two of you open up the door of intimacy and can talk about the past honestly and openly then you will find that your relationship or marriage will last forever.
Choose one or two close friends or family members that can help you go through this transition time. The hurt of your partner being unfaithful can be as emotionally painful as the physical pain of giving birth. Great forgiveness is needed if the relationship is to be healed completely.
It doesn’t take long and the attraction to this new person in your husband/partner fades. The wife – who isn’t bugging him with contact, whose always friendly and nice when he calls, who looks good when he fetches or sees the kids – will start to take on an angelic appeal. Suddenly all the arguing and the emotional pain that was in the marriage starts to disappear and he sees her in a new light. She brings him feelings of warmth and hope, of family and stability. She makes him feel romantically nostalgic and before long the marriage or relationship is brought back together.
Although the above article was written for woman who are experiencing a mid life crisis with their partner, I would give the same advice for any woman who is going through a separation right now, suggesting the adapting of behavior. And if you are contemplating an affair with a married man be aware of some of the pointers listed above.
I have a lot of experience guiding people through affairs, ghosting, healing after heart ache and bringing back a lost lover and I am available most hours on LifeReader.
Love and Light,