By Alicia: Many of the relationship readings I do are because a client is looking for a way to rekindle a damaged or broken romance, or because they want to see if a new connection shows lasting potential (because who wants to make an emotional investment if it doesn’t look like it will go anywhere – sensible, right?).
Either way, the client’s best next steps can potentially involve some ‘hard’ work. Let me explain: I recently saw a motivational quote about “choosing your hard”. The quote goes something like this: “Marriage is hard. Divorce is hard. Choose your hard. Being in debt is hard. Being financially responsible is hard. Choose your hard. Life will never be easy; it will always be hard – but we can choose our hard, so pick wisely”.
Although this quote sounds quite negative at first glance, it is an invitation to reconsider our perspective and perhaps reframe it, shifting our focus if necessary. Why? Sometimes people make these decisions in a knee-jerk manner, based on what we think is hard or easy, but the real picture might be a little different. Allow me to elaborate…
Firstly, it is often (not always) our attitude that strongly determines how much discomfort we sense we are in. In a study around reframing life situations, people doing a physically tiring job (e.g. housekeeping in a hotel) were asked to think of it as ‘exercise’ rather than ‘work’. The result was that they felt more positive and less tired at the end of the day. This potentially impacts so much of our well-being and life experience, its importance in any aspect of life really needs to be emphasized!
Secondly, if we realise that both options are difficult (instead of assuming one is much easier), it means we are empowered to question our true values and our ideal outcome (which aren’t always the same thing). Let’s say you want to get back together with your ex, but only if your ex contacts you first. That means that (for whatever reasons) what you actually value is ‘who makes contact first’, rather than ‘getting back together’. (Of course, these aren’t the only considerations for a robust relationship, and it’s not healthy to be the only one making an effort, but that’s a topic for another article.)
So – what kind of ‘hard’ work might be needed? Perhaps you need to work together (or individually) to look at what went wrong in the past, and honestly reflect on each person’s role. Maybe you need to decide if it’s harder to quit… or to learn to trust again. Is it harder to wait for the other person to call, or to contact them yourself and risk rejection? How does option A take you closer to your goal? – and how does option B weigh up by comparison? Remember that moving toward your goal requires courage – because there is always risk involved – and nothing ventured is truly nothing gained. You are allowed to ask for help – readers, spiritual workers, and other professionals can help guide and support you in your quest.
Any sincere effort on your life path is likely to lead to some true personal growth in the long run. Lessons are learned, and there can be some emotional adjustment and, ultimately, true acceptance and an authentic, lived human experience with spiritual growth. In another word, wisdom.
One more point – some people take what seems like an opposite stance, a pragmatic attitude of “just accept it and move on”, but sometimes glossing over events in this superficial manner is a form of denial and avoidance that can be unhealthy; potentially creating baggage that you may try to hide under the carpet (but which is bound to show up somewhere down the line and trip you up). We can’t pretend that a coin only has one side, or that the two sides of a coin are different sizes. What I’m trying to say is that we need balance and equanimity in our view of life events and relationships.
Committing to doing the hard work and making the best decision for the highest good of all can still be painful and may sometimes involve a loss of some sort. Losses deserve to be grieved (not suppressed) – whether it is the loss of a relationship, a possession, a job, a dream, or something else. The flipside of this is that loss can be viewed as a change, and change is an opportunity, or even a challenge to be met.
For our personal growth and self-awareness, we need to truly digest our experiences in relationships and in life – we can then assimilate what we need, let go of what we don’t, and generally learn the lesson (or at least look for it) – and sometimes this requires (you guessed it) hard work.
Wishing you all the best on your journey!
Love and Light,