By Laura: Everyone wants to find love… It is all part of being human. We all want connection, relationships, support, care, nurturing, comfort, understanding, empathy and compassion from another human being. We all want someone to share our life with. To share our stories with. To unpack the happenings of our day with… This is all part of our DNA. We are built to be connected with others through our relationships.
Thousands of years ago at the beginning of humankind, we depended on relationships and community to keep us safe from threats and danger. We are tribal beings, and we feel safe, secure, and supported when we are a valued part of a pack. We would never have survived on our own back then, if not for our tribe.
Back in caveman times, there were threats all around us. If not wild animals, poisonous foods, or extreme weather conditions, then we were under the threat of being killed by members of other tribes. So of course we needed to have the safety and security of our own community to keep us safe in numbers. To protect one another, and work together to stay alive and thriving.
We continue to evolve this way, which is why we are so drawn to human connection and feeling we are a part of a family, relationship, group, community, or friendship circle. It is also the reason for our FOMO ‘fear of missing out’… Our psyche carries the threat of danger if we are to find ourselves alone… On an unconscious level, without us being aware of it, we feel that being on our own leaves us vulnerable and threatened.
While it is true that relationships are essential for us to feel connected and are important for our social and emotional health, it is also important to note that in most parts of the world, in the era we are currently in, most of us are not really in any immediate danger, even when we find ourselves single or alone… However, our unconscious mind still triggers the feelings of isolation, fear, and vulnerability that we instinctively had back when we were cave men and women.
We need to ask ourselves if the feelings we have when we find ourselves single or alone are a real threat, or just a perception, based on our instinctive nature that was locked into our psyche back thousands of years ago?
The point here is that while connection is lovely, and we all want it, there is no immediate rush to find love and deep connection with another person, and that perhaps we are putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves to find ‘the one’ … This rush that so many of us force ourselves towards finding our soulmate can lead to some serious ramifications… Sadly, we often settle for really poor behavior in our relationships because in our mind, being treated like shit is better than being alone…
Being single or alone does not mean we are vulnerable or broken… We are not in danger. We are not losers. There is nothing negative to be said about being single or alone, but in our own minds, for many of us, this is a nightmare… Because what about that nagging feeling in the back of our minds that is pushing us into finding someone to spend our life with? Like there seems to be some time limit that is about to run out, and if we don’t find our person right now we will die alone and miserable… It is nonsense…
We need to stop pressuring ourselves to hurry up and find someone to love us. This only leads to disappointment and heartache. When we rush love, we settle…
Let that sink in…
When we rush love, we settle.
There is NO need to rush love. We can all use a little love, but there is no external love out there that can give us more than we can already give ourselves. In a world where we have unlimited resources and are not under threat compared to back in the caveman era, we have no reason to rush to find someone to connect with… Yes, it would be nice to have that special someone, of course it would… but it is not essential for our survival.
Love is something that we all want and desire, and it is our birth right… But the more we actively seek external love with relentless focus and determination, the more resistance we create for ourselves, and ultimately end up either pushing it further away, or settling for shitty behavior in relationships over the idea of being alone.
Desperately wanting and wishing for love is a bottomless pit, because no one can love you more than you need to love yourself. Someone can love you with all of their heart, but it will never be enough until you love yourself first. It will always feel like there is just something missing. The ‘something missing’ is self love and self acceptance.
Once we have self love and self acceptance for who we are, all that we are, shadow traits and all, we are finally ready to invite in TRUE external love… And when it happens this way, we know that this love is real love, and not just a product of lack, scarcity, and the pressure we force on ourselves.
When looking for love, we should be doing it from a place of contentment within ourselves, and not from a place of feeling like there is a void within us that we are looking to fill.
Let’s ask ourselves;
Is there a void within myself that I am trying to fill with external validation or love?
What more can I do to meet my own needs for love?
Do I find myself settling for undesirable behavior in my relationships because I would prefer to put up with that than to be on my own?
What is the worst thing that could happen if I choose to focus on my own inner healing, rather than desperately searching for external love?
What is the BEST thing that can happen if I take some time off forcing my love story, and just focusing on my own inner healing for a while?
Are my beliefs around being single or alone actually valid? Or is my unconscious programming running some limiting beliefs that are no longer serving me?
Overall, the message is to be introspective about your needs for love.
Remember, there is no one who can give you the love your soul craves more than you can…
What your soul really wants is for YOU to love YOU.
Love from anyone else is just a bonus.
That is the key to true happiness. The relationship you have with yourself is so important, not only for you, but for the future lovers you want to invite in.
If you would like to chat more about your love needs, your relationship with yourself, or your relationships with others, please send me a chat or give me a call. I would absolutely love to connect with you!
Love, Light and Blessings,