By Annalie: I encounter a lot of clients who want to experience so much more in their relationship but are struggling to see how it can be possible when their partner does not exhibit the behaviour or the changes they want to see in their relationship and because of this they conclude that their partner doesn’t care or does not love them which causes them great unhappiness and anxiety for the future of their relationship.
They perceive their partner is the cause of their unhappiness and that the only way for them to be happy is if their partner changes and gives them what they need and want in the relationship. They will withhold love until they feel their needs are met by the other. They will consider making an effort only when they begin to see evidence their partner is putting in the effort to improve their relationship. Now all of this is happening on a very unconscious level, it’s actually an automatic defense mechanism.
I rarely see that this way of being works in relationships. It certainly didn’t in my previous relationships. What I do see is that it works for a while, but the results are never long lasting. The reason being is that Partner A gives an ultimatum or expresses what they really need from the other person in an attempt to manipulate the situation to get what they want. Then Partner B believes “If I don’t change my partner will leave me” so then the intention and the motivation to change their behavior is coming from a place of guilt and fear of losing their partner rather than it coming from a place of love and choosing to do it for themselves. It doesn’t create a strong foundation for love to be built upon if the actions in a relationship are motivated by the negative emotions of guilt and fear. In most cases, it actually makes the situation worst because Partner B would feel as though they really had no choice which can build resentment towards Partner A. Resentment can be toxic and poisonous in a relationship. A lot of people find it hard to return or forgive from so much built up resentment.
If you are resonating with any of the above, know that you are with the majority of most people in relationships. It’s not until we become conscious of the unconscious programming and get really honest with ourselves that we begin to see this way of loving. Please know that you are not a bad person and I want you to know it’s not your fault. Unfortunately, this is the result of what we’ve been taught about love and the relationships that have been modeled to us in this society. The false “Picture” we have been sold on what Happiness and Love should look like has us believing that another person is responsible for our happiness and that we in turn are responsible for theirs. It has us caught in a Cycle of Transactional Love. Where Love is measured through transactions on a very subconscious level “I will love you if you are or do A B C”, “I will give you what you want as long as you give it back to me when I require it”. It’s like a bank account where we make deposits all the time and then make withdrawals anytime we want because we believe we are entitled to it because it’s our money and we have deposited so much! Well, a bank can work like that but we cannot apply the same principal to love! We are also taught that to “LOVE” means to constantly sacrifice ourselves.
Relationships are one of the most powerful tools for growth, but also one of the hardest to navigate. We live in a society that is reinforcing and running deep embedded programs of relying on others to fulfill us, make us whole or make us happy. We are constantly looking outside for that happiness, whether that is love, a job, travelling, money or material possessions – the list goes on. We make the outside world and everyone in it responsible for how we experience life and our happiness. We are dependent on others to give us or fill the void of what we are longing for. We are giving our power away to our circumstances.
We have forgotten that we are perfect and whole within ourselves and that everything we need to feel fulfilled, whole or happy is already within. We just need to learn how to access it. We have forgotten that we are our own source of all that we continue to search for outside of ourselves. Which is why choosing to being Conscious in a relationship can greatly assist you in being able to navigate them so you are able to extract the medicine of the healing wisdom that it is trying to teach you. BEING WHAT YOU WANT was just one of the many lessons I was able to learn throughout my journey and it continues to serve me in all of my relationship dynamics with my Twin Flame, Family and Friends.
The most important relationship you can have is the relationship you have with yourself. This is the foundation from which all of your outer experiences will come from. You can only attract the type of relationship you have with yourself. As within, So without – Your outer reality is a reflection of your inner reality. If you don’t love or accept yourself, please do not expect the person you are in a relationship with to give you that love and acceptance. You will forever be chasing them to give it to you. In my own experience, by them not giving you the love and acceptance you crave they are actually offering you a gift. A lesson or medicine to heal the deep wounds already within. Guiding you to go within, remember and learn to give that love and acceptance to yourself. It can trigger all the wounds, stories and evidence within you that you’ve collected over the years that proves you are not lovable or worthy of being loved. These feelings are opportunities to look deeper and reflect. They are opportunities to practice giving yourself love and acceptance and to let go of those wounds and know that they are no longer serving your highest good. You can choose to learn the lesson or you can choose to ignore and continue to be stuck wondering why you aren’t experiencing what you want. Being what you want is so important. If you value honesty become unapologetically honest with yourself.
If you want compassion, give yourself that compassion, if you want commitment, become deeply committed to yourself, don’t entertain anything that will take you away from your commitment to you. Get the Gist? Sound simple? Ha when you hear it like that, yeah it does sound simple, but in practice because of the deep beliefs and programming, we have about love it definitely can prove very difficult. You are certainly not alone in that, but the deep work that’s required is so worth it. After 3 failed relationships, I was continually being shown by my former partners how much I actually hated myself. How I treated myself internally was being reflected in my experience. The same feelings would be triggered, but with different partners – the common denominator was me. The more I gave everything I wanted to experience to my former partners the more it actually eluded me. I would continually be sitting on the question of why I wasn’t receiving what I wanted back.
I would gather all the evidence of why I wasn’t worthy. I was stuck in the transactional love cycle without even knowing it. It wasn’t until I ended my 3rd relationship when I was in deep reflection, I came to a realization of how much focus I had spent outside of myself. I made a commitment to myself to give my soul the very things I wanted to experience and 10 months later I manifested the most Divine Partner – My Twin Flame. Now I’m not saying if you just do this you will meet your Twin (there are so many lessons to practice and other factors involved) but this is me merely sharing my own experience and also what I have seen others manifest in their lives when they put this into practice, because you are what you attract! Also, I don’t want you to form the illusion that I’ve met my Twin and that everything in our union is rosy or happily ever after. No, I am constantly learning this lesson in our union over and over again. It takes a lot of work and commitment to self. Now I don’t always get it right because i‘m human, but when I do, it has a huge impact in our relationship.
It’s important to remember that putting this into practice needs to come from a place of really wanting to do this for yourself and not from a place of “I’ll do this in order to get the partner or relationship I want” I am telling you now it will not work. When you clearly decide and practice what you are worthy of you will begin to see your experiences shift. Don’t be surprised if you begin to practice this in your own life and your relationship begins to reflect what you are giving to yourself OR your relationship organically dissolves only because it is not in alignment with what you want. Don’t be disheartened just make space for what is in alignment with your soul. Know that every relationship is teaching you the necessary lesson you need to learn for you to be able to truly receive the relationship you deserve. Begin Being what you want!
Love and Light,