Does Your Anxious Attachment Style Ruin Your Love Life?

By Sofia: Do you find yourself stressing out each time your love interest is getting distant? Or find yourself constantly expecting that he is going to walk away? If so, you may suffer from an anxious attachment style that we need to examine here, in order for you to feel safer and more confident in your love life.  

Anxiety is a very broad subject, but I will only talk about relationship-related anxiety in this article. The root cause may not always be your partner’s behavior. But it could be the attachment style that you developed from infancy or a previous traumatic relationship.

Imagine a child who grew up in a dysfunctional, broken family or a child whose parent is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or abusive. They may develop trust issues until later in life. They wouldn’t know what to expect from a partner; they don’t trust that their emotional needs are met. Subconsciously, they look for that familiar feeling of what they used to experience when they were young. 

1sofia2

An anxious attachment style can also be developed later in life when someone has been in a relationship with a partner who has an avoidant attachment style, a narcissistic partner, or abusive. This can be traumatic for them that they would start believing the next partner is just the same. 

The average partner naturally struggles with doubts and confusion in the relationship, but when this becomes an obsession, it leads to an unhealthy and strained relationship. Are the signs below familiar to you?

5 signs of an anxious-attachment style:

  1. Jealousy 
  • Are you crazy jealous when your guy likes other photos of other women on social media? 
  • Are you worried that he might be out with a lady co-worker or any woman when he goes home late? 
  • Are you constantly observing if he’s checking out other women in public when you’re out together? 

Are you jealous when he gives attention to the opposite sex especially when she’s attractive? 

There is a thin line between healthy jealousy and a jealousy that is utterly possessive and puts you in constant comparison to others. If you find yourself suffering from a jealous attachment style, you need to be reminded that your partner chose you over all other options and that you are amazing the way you are! 

  1. Fault-finding
  • Do you always feel suspicious when there is a change in your partner’s pattern of behavior? 
  • Did he use to reply immediately to your texts? 
  • Did he use to tell you his whereabouts? 
  • Did he use to compliment you? Does he forget to say I love you today? 

The slightest change in his behavior causes you to think “Is he seeing another woman?” to “We’re going to break up” real quick. You jump to conclusions even without factual evidence. Your anxious mind tells you stories that aren’t real, but you believe them anyway. 

Even if later you realize that your partner is telling the truth and is not cheating on you, your habit of constantly looking for signs that he is not a good partner will bring you both at a hard place. Men hate the lack of appreciation. The constant nagging is going to drain him. He won’t want or know how to deal with it. He’s gonna appear cold and distant to you. This would further fuel your doubt of him losing interest in you. 

So the answer here is to stop! If you have actual evidence of disrespect the health choice is to walk away, but if your negative thought pattern is constantly looking for something wrong, break the pattern early and focus on all the positive aspects of your partner! You can’t go wrong with love!

  1. Fear of abandonment
  • Do you fear that your partner is going to walk away? 
  • Or that if your partner decides to leave your whole world will collapse?
  • Do you stress about your security without a partner? 

Perhaps you have become so attached to your partner and dependent on him. How you view yourself now depends on your relationship. You are terrified of the thought of you breaking up or even the small rejections. For example, when he is too busy at work or had another commitment before you sent him an invitation, he naturally had to refuse it, but you don’t take it as a valid reason. You feel rejected and think that he doesn’t give you enough time and attention.

The answer here is to focus on building your own foundation in life. Your friendships, money, hobbies, and most importantly being secure in your own self! 

  1. Neediness
  • Do you find yourself constantly looking for validation from your partner? 
  • Do you feel insecure each time our partner expresses another opinion or seems to not always accept you as you are? 
  • Do you always want to feel “good” with him? 
  • Do you always want reassurance? 

For someone who has an anxious attachment, they have this need to be constantly reassured that their partner is loyal and still in love with them. Nothing really wrong with that, but the truth is that our partner is not there to validate our existence 24/7. At some point he will have to meet his own independent needs, and a lot of times you will find that he has his own opinions. Some anxiously-attached people may appear very loyal, when in fact it’s because they are too clingy to their partners in the fear of losing love or being unaccepted. 

If you find yourself constantly looking for validation and reassurance from your partner, the best way to deal with it is to first fall in love with who you are. No one else can do this work for you. If you like yourself first, your partner will follow. Different opinions, likes, and hobbies are pretty normal. So, the best answer here is to trust that you are always loved and liked no matter what. We can never lose love!

  1. Negative view of self
  • Do you always fall for the emotionally unavailable person? 
  • Do you choose to settle for less than what you deserve? 
  • Do you feel that finding a loving, lasting relationship is unrealistic? 

This is an imprint developed from childhood or previous relationships where you feel not good enough, unwanted, and not worthy of love. You are subconsciously looking for proof of that. This is why most anxiously-attached people fall for ones with an avoidant attachment style. You took the challenge of getting him to love you, thinking that it’s gonna heal your past trauma but ironically, you believe that it’s not going to last, because you knew it’s gonna happen, and therefore you think that your deep-seated negative beliefs are validated. 

If you have recognized these signs of anxious attachment style to yourself or a partner, know that there are options to end this toxicity in a relationship or to save your current relationship. This is why people like me as relationship experts are here ready to guide you and bring you clarity.

1sofia2

Love, Light and Healing, 

Sofia

The following two tabs change content below.
Sofia
Intuitive Advisor/Love and Relationships Expert
Sofia

Latest posts by Sofia (see all)